I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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