There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
