if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
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That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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