How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
