last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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