Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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