i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
