if i can run in heels then i can drive
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
