It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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