I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
