Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
the condom got lost in my hair
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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