got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
