I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
