mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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