I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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