if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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