Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
