I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
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The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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