Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
