look no pants
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
