I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
