I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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