God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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