i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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