You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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