you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
