i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
