So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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