You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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