Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
