So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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