youre lurking in front of me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
