Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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