I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
