Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
