i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
