He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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