the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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