We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
