Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
