Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
