one two three fourrrrnication!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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