someone get that fucking seahorse.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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