Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
