I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
