i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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