Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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