he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
