I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
