i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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