he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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