I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
