I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
