hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
