Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
