Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
