The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I cut my penus on the lid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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