Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
