there was a trapeze. enough said
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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