I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I lost the right to judge tonight
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
