gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
